Beyond Approval: Breaking Free from Judgment, Criticism, and the Fear of Not Being Enough Subtitle: A Psychological, Narrative, and Islamic Path from People Pleasing to Inner Witnessing
Beyond Approval: Breaking Free from Judgment, Criticism, and the Fear of Not Being Enough
Subtitle: A Psychological, Narrative, and Islamic Path from People Pleasing to Inner Witnessing
She stayed up past midnight,for the sixth night,perfecting that proposal. Every slide trimmed of fluff. Every statistic double sourced. Every transition practiced until her throat felt like sand. This wasn’t just a presentation; it was a silent plea: “See me. I matter.”
Presentation day arrived. A polite nod. A single comment about a minor typo. Then the room flowed on,emails, side chatter, next agenda item. Hours, weeks of conviction and craft collapsed into one thin slice of feedback,sharp, selective, dismissive.
Silence where she imagined applause. And worse,whispers she half- heard, half invented.
You’ve watched this scene. Maybe you are this scene right now. Teacher. Student. Parent. Young professional. Community volunteer. You pour yourself out for family, classroom, workplace, mosque, project only to feel a microscope over flaws and a blindfold over contributions.
At some point the mind sighs: “Is it even worth it?”
Hold that question. We’ll return to her. And to you.
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The need to be seen is profoundly human. Infants scan for eyes; children chase gold stars; adults refresh dashboards, inboxes, and notification counters. External approval often disguises as proof of internal worth.
Mindset Psychology:
Carol Dweck’s research distinguishes a fixed mindset (“Criticism = proof I’m inadequate”) from a growth mindset (“Criticism = data for improvement”). A fixed frame fuses performance with identity,so a single frown echoes like a verdict. A growth frame keeps identity elastic.
- Self-Worth Contingencies: When self-worth depends on how we perform, look, or are approved by others, each critique feels like a threat to who we are. Failure isn’t just about a task; it feels like falling apart.
- Social Comparison: In ambiguous silence, the mind invents a hierarchy. We fill gaps with imagined judgments,often harsher than reality.
- Reward Loops: Praise triggers temporary feelings of pleasure caused by a brain chemical called dopamine. Like any repeating cycle, occasional big praise makes you chase it more, while silence feels like withdrawal.
Spiritually, Islam warns against attaching the heart to created eyes instead of the All-Seeing. Approval-seeking threatens ikhlāṣ (purity of intention) by blending worship or service with subtle riyā’ (showing off).
How Stories Inflate Shame (Narrative Re-Authoring)
We are meaning making narrators. One event gets elevated into a global story:
- “They didn’t clap → I must not be good enough.”
- “He corrected one detail → My whole effort collapses.”
- “She didn’t respond → I’m an annoyance.”
These are story leaps: shifting from event → identity label → predicted future failure. Narrative psychology invites a slow-down: identify the page, not the book.
Re-Authoring Micro-Process
- Externalize the Inner Judge: Name it (“The Tiny Court,” “The Echo,” “The Editor”). Externalize it.
- Deconstruct: What evidence did the Judge ignore? Which contexts were unseen?
- Reconstruct: Alternative script honoring intention, effort, growth, Divine audience.
- Embodiment Check: Say the new line aloud. Does your chest loosen?
- Witness Anchor: Pair the new line with an ayah(Quranic verse) or hadith(sayings of the prophet) to stabilize it beyond mood.
Old: “Silence = Failure.”
Re-Authored: “Silence is neutral space.
- My sincere effort stands before Allah,complete.”
The Islamic Reframe:
Quick Orientation:
This section shows how key Islamic spiritual concepts can help you stop living for other people’s approval. Even if you are not Muslim, you can read “Allah” as “God,” “Higher Power,” or simply “Your Deepest Values.” The principles still work: Do the right thing for the right reason even when no one claps.
- Sincerity(Ikhlāṣ) :
Translation:“They were not commanded except to worship Allah—making the religion purely for Him…” (Quran 98:5)
Simple: Do good because it’s right before God:even if no one says “Well done.”
Why it helps: When your intention is pure, criticism hurts less because you weren’t performing for people in the first place.
Non‑Muslim bridge: Think “intrinsic motivation”: doing good because it fits your values.
Sincerity/Pure intention = Doing it for Allah, not for applause
- Divine Watchfulness/Consciousness (Murāqabah):
Simple: Even when humans miss your effort, God doesn’t.
Why it helps: It calms the urge to prove yourself.
Non‑Muslim bridge: Imagine a 24/7 values camera in your heart: the important part is who you are when no one’s watching.
Murāqabah (Being Seen by Allah) = The heart knows God sees
- Excellence with Presence (Iḥsān) :
The Prophet ﷺ said in Hadith Jibrīl: “…worship Allah as if you see Him; and though you do not see Him, He surely sees you.”
Simple: Do your work with care, not to impress, but because it’s an act of worship.
Why it helps: Excellence becomes devotional, not performative.
Non‑Muslim bridge: Doing quality work because it reflects your character.
Iḥsān (Excellence with Presence) = Show up at your best because God sees
Prophets faced labels; truth never depended on their accusers’ acceptance.
Simple: Prepare well, act honestly, then release the outcome.
Why it helps: Reduces anxiety about how others react.
Example: Prophets were misunderstood and mocked; truth was still truth.
Non‑Muslim bridge: “Control the controllables; release the rest.”
Tawakkul (Trust in God or Faithful reliance) = You do your part; God handles the result
- Contentment (Riḍā):
Inner steadiness when outcomes diverge.
“حَسْبُنَا اللَّهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ”
Translation:'Allah (God) is sufficient for us; and how excellent a guardian is He!” (Quran 3:173).
Simple: I did my best; I accept what comes.
Why it helps: Your mood stops rising/falling with other people’s reactions.
Non‑Muslim bridge: Radical acceptance grounded in values.
Riḍā (Contentment) = Inner calm when things don’t go your way
- Self-Accountability(Muhāsabah):
Gentle audit: “Was this for hearts or for The Heart-Knower?”
حَدَّثَنَا أَحْمَدُ بْنُ سِنَانٍ، حَدَّثَنَا كَثِيرُ بْنُ هِشَامٍ، حَدَّثَنَا جَعْفَرُ بْنُ بُرْقَانَ، حَدَّثَنَا يَزِيدُ بْنُ الأَصَمِّ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، رَفَعَهُ إِلَى النَّبِيِّ ـ ﷺ ـ قَالَ " إِنَّ اللَّهَ لاَ يَنْظُرُ إِلَى صُوَرِكُمْ وَأَمْوَالِكُمْ وَلَكِنْ إِنَّمَا يَنْظُرُ إِلَى أَعْمَالِكُمْ وَقُلُوبِكُمْ
Translation:“Allah does not look at your forms nor your wealth, but He looks at your hearts and your deeds.” Hadith
Simple: After you act, ask: “Was I doing this to be seen? Did my intention drift?”( hearts & deeds matter most)
Why it helps: Keeps you growing without shame spirals.
Non‑Muslim bridge: Reflection journaling; values check‑ins.
Muhāsabah (Self‑Check) = Honest intention audit
Takeaway: Your worth isn’t tied to polish, status, or applause,what counts is your inner intention and what you actually do.
Mini Practice:
After: Say “Accept from me. Correct me where I slipped. Guide me forward.”
Not Muslim? Try: “I did this to serve. What would integrity ask of me next?”
What is “Approval Addiction”?
When your mood, effort, or sense of worth rises and falls based on what others say, think, or what you imagine they think. You keep checking phones, replaying conversations, or overworking because you need someone to validate you.
Good news: This is learned and can be unlearned.
- Mental Cost: Constant Worry
You replay moments (“Did I say it wrong?”), scan faces, overthink emails.
- Emotional Cost :Rollercoaster Feelings
One compliment: you fly. One silence: you crash. Shame comes fast.
- Spiritual / Values Cost :Why Did I Start?
Your original purpose (to serve, to teach, to worship, to help) gets replaced by “Will they like me?” Intention drifts.
- Behavior Cost:Burnout or Freeze
You over-prepare to avoid criticism. Or you procrastinate because “If it’s not perfect, I’ll be judged.”
- Relationship Cost :Performance Over Connection
Instead of being real, you “act” safe, agreeable, impressive. People feel the distance.
- Body Cost : Stress That Shows Up Physically
Tight shoulders. Headaches. Trouble sleeping before presentations. Stomach knots when messages go unread.
- Learning Cost :Growth Gets Stuck
If feedback feels like attack, you stop learning. No feedback, no growth.
Signs You Might Be Stuck in Approval Mode
- You check your phone or email too often after sending something important.
- You delay starting projects because you fear what others will say.
- You feel drained when your effort isn’t noticed.
- You replay criticism for days (or years).
- You over-explain simple decisions to avoid disapproval.
- You can’t celebrate good work unless someone else approves.
If 3 or more hit home, this post is for you.
Quick Self-Check (Score Yourself 0 or 1)
Statement Score (0/1)
1. My mood depends on others noticing my effort
2. I panic when people don’t respond quickly.
3. I hold back ideas to avoid criticism.
4. I overwork things that will be seen publicly.
5. I feel invisible unless praised.
3+ = Time to reset your approval habits.
Recovery Snapshot (What Gets Better)
- You act sooner,even if imperfect.
- Feedback helps instead of hurts.
- You sleep better after presentations.
- You enjoy hidden good deeds.
- You measure success by effort + sincerity, not applause.
Practical Steps: From Needing to Leading
1. Audit Your Audience:
Who are you trying to impress... and why? Write down the names. Ask: Are they aligned with my values? Am I projecting imagined expectations? Will their judgment matter before Allah?
2. Rewrite Your Inner Script:
Old narrative: “They ignored me. I must be worthless.”
New narrative: “I acted with integrity. That is success in Allah's eyes.”
3. Do Something Only Allah Sees:
Help someone anonymously. Give secretly. Supplicate privately. Reclaim the joy of being seen by Ar-Raqīb(The Overseer) alone.
4. Supplicate for Sincerity:
اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ عَمَلَنَا كُلَّهُ صَالِحًا، وَاجْعَلْهُ لِوَجْهِكَ خَالِصًا، وَلَا تَجْعَلْ لِأَحَدٍ فِيهِ شَيْئًا
Translation:“O Allah, make all our deeds righteous, make them purely for Your Face, and do not make for anyone else a share in them.”(Dua).
5. Try 'Praise Fasting':
- Don’t seek praise or react to criticism
- Resist social media validation loops.
- Watch how your spirit feels.
6. Realignment: Who's Holding the Mirror?
The world offers us broken mirrors:teachers who shamed us, leaders who ignored us, friends who made us feel unseen. But Allah offers a clear, consistent mirror.
قُلِ ٱللَّهُ ثُمَّ ذَرْهُمْ فِي خَوْضِهِمْ يَلْعَبُونَ
Translation:"Say: 'Allah [suffices],' then leave them to their idle talk and play." (Quran 6:91)
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You are not too sensitive. You are not too needy. You are simply alive,with a soul that longs to be seen, but by the right eyes.
Now, rise beyond the noise. Beyond the "likes," the performance, the perfectionism.
Let Allah be your witness. Let your sincerity be your applause. Let your growth be your reward.
Sometimes, the greatest success is walking off the stage... knowing the One who matters never looked away.
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