There Is Freedom in the Gap Between Their Behaviour and Your Response
There Is Freedom in the Gap
Between Their Behaviour and Your Response
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You contribute. You show up. You try to serve well. You carry responsibility seriously. And then someone’s behaviour leaves you feeling overlooked, dismissed, excluded, misunderstood or simply unappreciated.
It can hurt.It can frustrate you.Sometimes it can even make you angry.And I think we should be honest about that.
Emotional maturity does not mean becoming so detached that nothing affects us. Things will affect us. We are human.
The question is not whether something affects us.
The question is:
What do we do with what it does to us?
I have been thinking about this recently, and I caught myself noticing something important:
There is freedom in the gap between their behaviour and my response.
That gap may be only a few seconds.Sometimes it may be a few hours.Sometimes it may require a night of reflection, a conversation with someone wise, salah(prayer), dhikr(remembrance of Allah), or simply stepping away long enough to see clearly.
But that gap matters.Because something happens in the gap.
We get to choose.
Before I respond, what do I actually know?
This may be one of the hardest parts.We see behaviour.
We experience words.We notice who was included and who was not.We notice who acknowledged our contribution and who did not.
We notice who responded and who remained silent.
And then, almost automatically, the mind begins writing the story.
“They don't value what I do.”
“They don't trust me.”
“They think I am incapable.”
“They are deliberately excluding me.”
“They are trying to undermine me.”
Perhaps one of those interpretations is correct.But perhaps another explanation exists.
The uncomfortable truth is that someone's behaviour gives us information, but it does not automatically give us access to their intention.
I may infer something from what someone does. I may even have good reason for my interpretation.But an inference is still an inference.
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“And do not pursue that of which you have no knowledge...”Qur'an 17:36
That verse is not telling us to ignore what happens around us.
It is reminding us to distinguish between what we know and what we think we know.That distinction can change everything.
So before I react, perhaps I need to ask:
What actually happened?
What am I assuming about it?
Are there alternative narratives to mine?
And perhaps most importantly:
Do I know their intention, or am I interpreting their behaviour?
l Acceptance is not surrender
There is another difficult step:
l Accepting that it happened.
Not accepting that it was right.Not approving of it.Not surrendering a boundary.Simply accepting reality.Something happened.It affected me.I did not like it.Perhaps it was unfair.Perhaps it was disrespectful.Perhaps it needs to be addressed.But it happened.
Sometimes we spend enormous amounts of emotional energy arguing with reality:
“How could they?”
“Why would they do that?”
“After everything I have done?”
“Don't they see what I am trying to do?”
Those questions may be understandable, but they can keep us trapped inside an event long after the event has ended.
Acceptance gives us something different.It allows us to stop fighting the fact that something happened long enough to examine what happened clearly.
And clarity is valuable.
Because
I cannot wisely decide what to do about something I have not yet processed.
Feel the feeling but don't surrender your agency to it
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Something happens.I feel something.Maybe disappointment.Maybe frustration.Maybe anger.Maybe embarrassment.Maybe hurt.
Maybe the feeling is even a mixture of several things.That is okay.I don't have to pretend I am unaffected.
I can name the feeling.
l What exactly am I feeling?
l Why does this matter to me?
l What expectation was touched?
l What value of mine feels threatened?
l What am I afraid this situation means?
Sometimes simply naming the experience changes our relationship with it.
I can say:
I am angry.
rather than:
I must act because I am angry.
There is a difference.
The Prophet ﷺ taught:
“The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.”Hadith
Notice that the hadith does not say the strong person never becomes angry.It speaks about what happens while in anger.
The emotion can be present without becoming the driver.
That is part of the freedom in the gap.
And then comes the uncomfortable question: What is my niyyah(intention)?
This may be the deepest part of the whole process.Sometimes we begin something with a clear intention.
We want to serve Allah.We want to fulfil an amanah(a trust).We want to help people.We want to do good work.We want to contribute meaningfully.
And then something happens.
Someone's behaviour touches our pride, our insecurity, our need for recognition, or our sense of worth.
Suddenly, without noticing it, the centre of gravity can shift.
We began with:
“I want to serve Allah through this.”
And we find ourselves thinking:
“I will show them what I am capable of.”
The outward action may look exactly the same.But something inside has changed.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“The reward of deeds depends upon the intentions and every person will get the reward according to what he has intended.” Hadith
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This is where I need to be careful.There is nothing wrong with demonstrating competence.There is nothing wrong with correcting a misunderstanding.There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.
There is nothing wrong with doing excellent work.
The danger comes when proving our worth to people begins competing with the purpose for which we started.
That is when I need to stop and ask:
l Who am I doing this for?
l What am I trying to protect?
l What am I trying to prove?
l Is my response serving my amanah or is my ego quietly asking for an audience?
That question can save us from giving other people's behaviour control over our niyyah.
Not everything that affects me is mine to carry
This is another lesson I am learning.Something can affect me without becoming mine to carry.Someone can misunderstand me.Someone can fail to appreciate my contribution.Someone can behave in a way I dislike.Someone can even treat me unfairly.
And yet I still have to ask:
Is this mine to solve?
Because sometimes the answer is yes.Sometimes it is no.
Sometimes the answer is not yet.
That is why I find this simple distinction useful:
Now
Is this behaviour currently impeding the amanah or service in front of me?
If it is, I may need to act.
Later
Does it not immediately impede the service, but could it threaten it in the long run?
Then perhaps it deserves attention but not necessarily an immediate reaction.
Never
Does it actually impede the service at all?
If not, perhaps it does not require my intervention.
Perhaps it requires sabr(patience).Perhaps it requires forgiveness.Perhaps it requires me to let it go.Perhaps it simply does not concern me.
The Prophet ﷺ is reported to have said:
“Indeed among the excellence of a person's Islam is that he leaves what does not concern him.”Hadith
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There is wisdom in that restraint.Not every battle is ours.Not every misunderstanding requires correction.Not every narrative requires our participation.
And not every unpleasant experience deserves access to our energy.
But what if something genuinely needs to be addressed?
This is where emotional maturity must not become passivity.Sometimes behaviour really does interfere with an amanah.Sometimes a boundary needs to be established.Sometimes something needs clarification.Sometimes a misunderstanding needs correcting.Sometimes a pattern needs confronting.
The question then becomes:
How do I respond wisely?
Not simply:
How do I respond?
There is a difference.
I can ask:
l What is my intention?
l What is the right mood?
l Is this the right environment?
l Is this the right setting?
l Is this the right time?
l What context will make this conversation constructive?
l What exactly needs to be said?
l What wording will communicate the truth without unnecessarily wounding the person?
l Am I trying to solve a problem, establish a boundary, clarify something or prove myself?
This is where Islam gives us a beautiful model.
Allah says:
“So pardon them, ask Allah's forgiveness for them, and consult them in the matter. Then when you have decided, put your trust in Allah. Surely Allah loves those who trust in Him.”Qur'an 3:159
There is movement here.
Mercy.
Reflection.
Consultation.
Decision.
Then tawakkul(trust in Allah).
Tawakkul is not the absence of action.
It is action without the illusion that I control the outcome.
The response can be firm without becoming harsh
Sometimes we imagine that if we do not react strongly, we have somehow surrendered.Not necessarily.Firmness and harshness are not the same thing.A boundary can be clear without being cruel.A correction can be direct without being humiliating.A disagreement can be honest without becoming an attack.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“Allah is kind and He loves kindness and confers upon kindness that which He does not confer upon severity...”Hadith
And Allah reminds us:
“...those who control their anger and pardon others. And Allah loves the good-doers.” Qur'an 3:134
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It means that even when I must speak, I do not have to surrender my character to the behaviour that provoked me.
Sometimes the amanah is sabr
This may be the hardest option.
We are often more comfortable doing something than doing nothing.
We want to fix.We want to explain.We want to clarify.We want to defend.We want the other person to understand.
But sometimes the wisest response is restraint.
Sometimes the thing Allah has placed in front of me is not an opponent to defeat but an opportunity to practise sabr.
Sometimes my amanah is to continue serving without becoming consumed by what does not deserve my attention.
Allah describes among the qualities of the righteous those who restrain anger and pardon others.That does not make them weak.It means their response is governed by something deeper than the immediate emotion.
The gap gives me my agency back
Perhaps this is what I value most about the gap.It gives me time to step back and perform a reality check.It gives me freedom to preserve my energy.It gives me freedom to protect my niyyah.It gives me freedom to respond emotionally, psychologically, socially and spiritually with greater maturity.
And perhaps most importantly, it reminds me:
I still get to choose.
I cannot control what another person says.I cannot control how they interpret me.I cannot control whether they recognise my contribution.I cannot control whether they approve of me.I cannot control their intentions.But I can examine my interpretation.I can process my emotions.I can examine my assumptions.I can check my niyyah.
I can determine whether something belongs to now, later or never.
I can craft my response.And then I can act.That is agency.
Tie your camel
There is a beautiful balance here.Do what is yours to do.
Then leave what is not yours to control.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“Cherish that which gives you benefit, seek help from Allah and do not lose heart...”Hadith
That is the balance I keep coming back to:
l Tie your camel.
l Make du'a.
l Then leave the outcome with Allah.
Do the work.
Protect the amanah.Set the boundary if necessary.Have the conversation if necessary.Remain silent if silence is wiser.
Walk away if walking away is what preserves what matters.
But do not surrender your inner centre to somebody else's behaviour.
What happens next is still mine to choose
Perhaps someone will misunderstand you.Perhaps someone will underestimate you.Perhaps someone will fail to recognise what you bring.
Perhaps someone will behave in a way that genuinely needs to be addressed.
Feel it.Name it.Process it.Examine the story you are telling yourself about it.Ask whether there are alternative narratives.Check your niyyah.Ask what amanah is actually in front of you.
Is this now, later or never?
If action is necessary, design the response carefully.
Choose the right mood.
The right setting.
The right timing.
The right words.
The right intention.
Then act.
And after you have done what is yours to do:
Tie your camel. Make du'a.
Leave the outcome with Allah.Because other people's behaviour may affect me.It may frustrate me.It may hurt me.It may even reveal something that genuinely needs to be addressed.
But it does not have to become the author of my response.
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And perhaps that freedom is one of the places where maturity, purpose, sabr and tawakkul meet.
I do not have to prove my worth.
I have an amanah to fulfil.
And I can return to it.
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